The problem with worrying about everyone Else's problems and not thinking of your own is that by time you realize you have a problem it is usually too late to do anything about it.
My problem is simple, but not so simple. I can't sleep. I can't stay awake. I am depressed and indulge this because I can actually process thoughts clearly and produce decent to well quality work when it is almost 4am , my mind is clear-aware of everything and my eyes hurt from being open and just want rest. I wish I could just sleep....but I can't I just lay awake watching marathons of shows online trying to put myself to sleep. As soon as day comes around I can't stay awake. I just can't its like I need much more sleep than the random 8-10hrs I steal from my day's productivity. I don't understand this. When my dad texts me and asks how I am and warns me of working odd hours and having night class because it can become a trigger to set off other problems. I lie and say 'don't worry dad, I get enough sleep around 8hrs every night!' this is a lie. I get around 8hrs of sleep in the morning from 5-6am until 1-2pm, I would rather he not worry about me. I know this is bad and I should get it checked especially because the genetic anomaly( I will call it that) that I may or may not have(though it gives more answers than not having it)
Most of my life the adults in my life have asked usually one question that is the same : Why are you still awake?
I could never answer them- I just always was. Long after they would pass out and drift towards their dreams, I would lie awake at night letting the flow of darkness mix in with my feelings of loneliness and depression creating a cocktail of inability. Blurring my thoughts into jumbled up trains of shapes and letters all in a grey scale within my mind. I think this is why I stopped seeing most color and lost my ability to discern one color from another and understand how they work, the effects and blends.
From an early age I stopped being close to other kids, I couldn't understand them, their careless joy, relaxed expressions and manner of speaking with each other over pointless things that I could not understand- I won't lie I was a pretty lonely kid. I still don't understand carefree people that have relaxed expressions and lives where the only problem is finding who to hang out with on a spur of the moment whim.
I am bad at writing in general so writing and keeping up a blog has been difficult it relies on consistency and memory. I can't even get my sleep habits in a row where each night I can go home, get in bed and guarantee I will be able to sleep that night. I literally can not even guarantee that I can sleep each night.
There are so many other things I would rather post about right now, however this will most likely be the most organized and well written post I have made on here to date.(which is sad because it is made under the veil of sleep deprivation, fear of sleeping and unknown)
