I So Hate Consequences, That Is My Problem

"I So Hate Consequences" is a song actually by a Christian Rock group named Reliant K, it is one of their earlier more hard hitting on the notes songs. 

"I need to get away from all my mistakes

...because all of my mistakes keep me awake at night....I so hate consequences, running from you was one of my best defences...after all my alibis are desert....God don't make me face up this...because I know I let you down...all my escapes are getting exhausted, I thought I had a way, then I lost it,my resistance was once more stronger...."

Above are excerpts from the song that I resonated with the most and best describe my problem.  I'm always running, figuratively and in a literal sense, it is my defence mechanism. When a consequence of my own action comes calling I run, I run as far as I can and try to abandon my life in a way. I want nothing more than to avoid it from happening by picking up a remote and pressing  FF>>. skipping pass it all yet still seeing glimpses of it. What is disturbing is that actually seeing it pass by is a new trend for me, previously I would treat consequences like a VHS tape, hitting stop to go to the blue screen then fast forwarding to the end without any recognition of the event partaking behind that blue veil. 

"....because all my mistakes keep me awake at night..." 

I can't exactly sleep at night and when I do I wake up at odd morning hours from dreams of my mistakes and the consequences I have avoided. I can never escape them, I still dream of mistakes I made over two years ago yet never came to grips with. It is a bit pathetic that I still have no desire to face the repercussions of my actions so long ago. 

 "....I so hate consequences, running from you was one of my best defences..."

 

I am not sure obvious my avoidance to consequences is, so far only one person has ever noticed, and I ran from any one else that would. I am out of breath now, there really is not much more I can do about that. 

"...after all my alibis are deserted..."

Alibis I have hundreds of them, alibi is just a more entrecôte way of saying excuse. My alibis have run out, I have gotten to a point where not thinking about my actions is not just effecting me nor a reason for avoidance. 

"....God don't make me face up to this..."

 I am religious and I do feel that God tries to get me to face my consequences, I still keep resisting.

"....I know that I let you down..."

I let down people close to me, and I continued to try and avoid the consequences by not acknowledging that anything happened this has caused me many problems in my relationship. I will do something very fucked up and then when push comes to shove I'm off in my own little world  mentally flipping over the repercussions. I would constantly say I am a shitty girlfriend because of that. I do things then ignore that not only that my actions effected someone else but I refuse to take any blame for it at all. Even when I am completely at fault I pretend I have no idea what is going on or why. I'm supposed to have stopped this by now. Each time I repeat my past mistakes I let someone down even more. 

"...all my escapes are getting exhausted, I thought I had a way, then I lost it,my resistance was once more stronger...."

I thought at one point I could do what I wanted and not deal with anything that could go wrong, I ended up being very depressed and hating myself a lot because I couldn't stand how bad I started to feel because of the lack of responsibility I was taking on for everything.

My resistance was much once stronger

Resistance does not always mean a positive thing, that you can hold your ground, never give up and pull away from all those had things in life.  Sometimes resistance represents those things that you should be doing but refuse to do for frivolous reasons. 

When that resistance becomes a hindrance to your improvement and moving on the meaning changes. It is no longer that force that kept you out and protected you, it is now what holds you back....

"...If my heart says I'm sorry can we leave it at that?.."

This was not part of the original cluster of excerpts because it is a standalone that I do so often it is how I can say this song describes my life. 

If my heart says I'm sorry the. I don't have to utter the words. It is a silent apology that passes the blame onto someone else all to avoid taking it myself. 

I no longer want to be and will have resistance, I need to take responsibility for my actions and behaviour. I would prefer that my life reflect " who I am hates who I've been"

Reprise

 I recently read a short called 'Rainy Day' (see below), that said much about emotional baggage an letting them go for someone else to find or give it away to someone. 

I saw this greatly as the words of an observer with only a handbag or clutch of 'baggage' in other words an observer. 

Observing is good however writing about things you have not experienced gives a bad taste in mouth. Selena Gomez when her album 'A Year Without Rain' was asked and slightly criticised for writing a fluffy pop album and asked why there was no hard hitting songs that struck a chord with people, why so light? She responded " I don't like to sing about things I haven't yet experienced." I respect this greatly about her, that she is not afraid to say that she has not experienced something therefore can not speak on it.

The Rainy Day short upset me because it made things seem so easy and carefree, as if emotional baggage can be dropped off at an airport and said goodbye to. Emotional baggage isnt really baggage, it's scars and character blocks. It builds the personality of a person, gives them scars of life that show yes, I have been through a lot: it has made me who I am today. Giving this away is like trying to give away the knowledge gained through them.

I don't believe you should harbour things a d hoard them but you need those things in life, put them in an attic storage, a basement. Do not just give them away like they are worthless, I don't believe you can simply transfer parts of you to others. 

People are not that simple, the events that happen to us in the past brings to 易 (Yi). The Chinese word meaning change that [is said to have]derives from ancient word for lizard or chameleon. A chameleon is known for being able to change its colour and a lizard which can drop its tail and grow a new one. Change occurs with the commencement of loss and new things gained.

 Leaving one thing behind and not taking anything with you does not help you it is like running away and not acknowledging the mistakes made as well as the hardships gone through. Any person with baggage should know it is not something that is easy to think of lightly. I am mostly writing this to point out an observation of something that needs to be experienced before spoken of.

Mindless drabbles.

You must remember everyone else is either inept or stupid usually both.

You must be brave to take the lead.

The united states is formed by its philosophy not what was but what can be.

There will be no appeasement this is war. A war that they started but by God we will finish it!

If you take the tough decisions today they will hate you now but thank you for generations.

I feel that knowledge and language are the most abused substances in our society, many people have a coin size of knowledge and like coins each has it's different values and uses hence forth you may need more of your coin for purchased some people need not than others. Yet many with nickels, and pennies try to make a purchase of $.75 with $.20. They simply don't have the full amount of knowledge to make that claim, modern day philosophers with quarters and half dollars of knowledge tend to pretend that due to their knowledge being philosophical and/or political it is worth more than true rest. That is true however they too try to jilt the piper and see their coins as gold dollars. Philosophical knowledge of observation and beauty are valuable yes, however full knowledge and experience of more scenarios as well as a bigger understanding of a devil's advocate is invaluable. Before you decide to 'preach' out a blurb of  verbal recognition of social injustice in the society, check to see if you have coins to cash that statement. Because if you don't you look like the fool that came up short an is trying get a fixed price item for less and damaging the economical status of a country in the process.

Understanding is so sorely underrated,  people tend to assess situations without understanding the full velocity of perspective and experience.

Everyone has something to prove to someone in their life, until they do there is this building resentment That builds because they're never quite good enough to be acknowledge by that person in the way they would like. Pacifying them by saying things like "in your own way". That only adds to it, 

Maddie says "Jerk"

Today Ace and I had lunch  to discuss some things about our relationship. This was a short lunch because he to pick his sister Madison up from school, and invited me along surprisingly. 

Madison like one of my sisters goes to a charter school. So there are special procedures in picking them which includes lining up with other parents an guardians to pick up the kids outside.

It was as Ace said like lining up at Auschwitz  and it really was. Just a long line of people standing in a weird orderly like way, which led to a chaotic room at the end of a long hallway(seriously the gym was crazy loud with kids) 

So I'm looking for this kid (who I've only seen in a couple of photos) and suddenly this tiny girl with wide eyes gets up and walks over to Ace and I and immediately grabs his leg and death stares me and the TA. 

What happened next I loved, she freined  shyness and refused to say goodbye to her teacher and immediately wanted to leave when walking out she preceded to bite Ace's hand attempt to saw his fingers off with her tiny hands. She the. Referred to him as "Jerk" as if she were saying a name.

I fell in love with this kid at that moment, she was a no nonsense kind of child a rare breed at a young age(5).

Afterwards the three of us then proceeded to walk to the grocery store(to get food for dinner that night) along the way we got more acquainted and soon she warmed up to me and wanted to hold my hand over Ace's (which greatly annoyed him and brought me great pleasure). 

In the store was a real relationship test, I wanted to pick her up and carry around and talk to her about her day, while Ace was more focused on figuring out what she wanted to eat and getting out of the store. 

So it lead to stern looks and a bit of disagreements and annoyance but in the end both of us working together me focusing and Ace pressing the issue we found out what she wanted for dinner(apples and oranges with a sandwich that has ham with a LOT of mustard). 

It was interesting to see how we worked on that, and on line while Ace payed for the food Psy's Gangnam Style came on the speaker in the store. I immediately started singing and dancing with Ace's sister and she was awe the cashier just kept looking  at us with bright eyes and smiling( apparently she thought we were a family) it was the most fun I've had with a child not related to me. They walked me to the train station and I said goodbye and was able to get a hug from her and a kiss from Ace. 

Then I said "goodbye Madison!" 

That is how a I met Maddie and she set a future course for Ace and I.