Miami(interlude)

So what started as a simple summer stay has turned into a life altering change that I never really saw coming. When I first said I want to go to Miami and spend time with my father and get to know him and my other relatives better i never thought it would lead me where it.
I was excited.  full of hope and ambitious goals to be a better person when the summer ended. to be in a better place in life and with my family/friends.  instead I am at ends with my parents, dealing with a mother that is torn, a father that is traditional, cold and manipulative and an aunt who tries to intervene way too much. Along with a paranoid bully of a cousin to top it off. i wanted to stay for the summer get a fun job save some money and have a good time.  the fun job turned into working at Zara(with some amazing co-workers), and the money saved is turning into my soon to be needed rent money, and budget for the month. i decided i wanted to stay in Miami after getting the job at Zara.
The hope I had was replaced by constant anxiety and depression topped with bouts of homesickness. For a majority of the time, I am alone, feeling unattached and unsure of what I still want to achieve in life or if I even should still pursue any goals and dreams I had previously.

When I first came to Miami things were very strange and I was not able to realise what was going on quick enough to adapt and save any reminants of my former life before things ended. I'm writing this as small interlude into the much longer post I'm working on in the coming days.  I honestly needed to wait until I was in the best mindset to even think about going into my memories and reliving the events. Though honestly I feel I should break down the events into several chapters to better explain the turning points as they occurred. This all sounds very cryptic I know but if you knew how long the story and just how difficult it is to even remember it my hesitation would be forgiven. I however have decided to finish writing this for a friend who is currently facing similar difficulties as me, but also as an apology to those friends I have that I've been ignoring and never really explained what happened to.  I am sorry if the next posts 

are a bit difficult to read for those close to me.

Veganism Experiment

Yesterday I posted a photo around the end of
my work day showing my meal and titled it
"Veganism Day 1/30" I never fully explained
what that was exactly, so here it is. At my
current job(which I am leaving in 3.5 days)
the architect that I work with is a vegan and
his stance on eating confuses the living hell
out of all mangers in the office(I myself
understand what veganism is). I decided after
several conversations with him the treatment
of animals in meat production, health, and
processed food that I would do an experiment
of sorts to inform the people I know more
about this way of life.

In the later parts I will post the generic
experimental steps and what not and how I
plan to achieve this etc.

Right now however I want to share an
interesting thing about veganism, there are
two sides to it. Meaning? There is a side for
those that only in it for the extreme health
benefits that come with it and there are those
that are there for the preservation of animal
rights, as well as to stand against
corporations that produce the mass amounts
of processed food distributed to society along
with the pesticide and GM(genetically
modified) grown crops of america.

My co worker started because of the health
reasons and transition over to the Eco-conscious side due to his girlfriend
enlightening him on the other side of things.I
am starting for the health benefits that are
said to go along with it.

What is Veganism?

Being a vegan means not eating any product
that has come from an animal(this includes
seafood)

Difference from vegetarianism?

Vegetarians eat egg whites, drink milk and
consume other dairy products,while vegans
do not.
P.S Vegetarians that eat fish are actually
pescatarians.

Now for the experiment part of this posting.

Hypothesis:
Will becoming a vegan positively or negatively
effect my health?
Procedures:
Take the steps in becoming a vegan and stick
to them for a month
Prediction:
Becoming a vegan will have an adverse effect
on my health in the beginning yet as the
month goes on I will be able to adapt and the
processed food will leave my body during this
time.

Today is day two of this experiment, I am
currently still rocky on food consumption and
am consuming under 800 cal. a day. With the
help of my co-worker I am gaining knowledge
on what is and is not okay to eat. I am
keeping a record of my food intake with the
MyFitnessPal app which uses extensive
charts to monitor my vitamin, sodium and fat
intake during this time. At the end of each
week I will post a blog detailing my body's
current reaction to transition as well as the
day to day charts of the week and compare
them to a month's worth of charts prior to my
experiment. On top of this I will be doing a
weigh in soon to check for any weight loss or
gain.

Depression.....

Understanding depression is hard for people that have never truly experienced before. Depression comes and goes, out doesn't stay around all the time and you're just never happy ever contrary to what many may think. It comes and goes like a cycle but is always with you. Depression is in a sense like emotional herpes.

The main thing is that it's not only an emotional feeling but a physical one. You wake up in pain with no cause, it becomes hard to do daily tasks without feeling drained and headaches happen. It's easy for someone who has never experienced depression to look at it and go sooooooo what the person is just really sad? Suck it up! When it isn't just about being sad, it's about being trapped, lost, and without cause. Things just seem hopeless, so you do less, the less you do, the more it piles up to where things are almost hopeless.

Strong, weak, and in between people have it. Some handle it better than others.

Mirrors 137.4/62.3kg

        The other day I got weighed for the first time in around 2months on a legitimately accurate scale at the doctor's office and the number that came up surprised me a bit not out of shock but because I hadn't weighed myself in so long and previously it was 125-127/56.7-57.6kg just that morning I looked in the mirror and saw my abs were still here, and I thought...I look pretty....is this what other people see when they look at me? I haven't seen this person...I don't think I ever really have, I saw myself for the first time I think. It made me happy, I lost weight and gained muscle to tone up and went from last year being a size 6-7/28-29 to this year being a 4-5/26-27 mostly 25-26. I made it almost to my goal, but I have a lot of leg muscle which sort of sucks because it's gotten softer over the years, but that is besides the point.
      I looked into a mirror and wasn't disgusted by the image I saw staring back at me, I mentioned before that I overcame an eating disorder and I honestly see how I really look now. Which is weird to say, but it happens. I no longer go crazy over how much I weigh, or how much I work out, I walk around 2-4miles a day, have a job that requires tons of standing, dancing, and running around, and I try to eat healthier and ensure I actually eat 3 times a day, a big jump from my prior 1-2 times a day and under 1000 calories a day. That was so unhealthy it is crazy, I went so long like that and aimed for less.

********I'm not saying that being skinny is because you have an eating disorder etc. it's when you can't see your current size and imagine things that aren't there in concerns to your body. Dropping sizes in a healthy way through a managed diet like Atkins, or cutting out processed foods and meats is perfectly fine***********

    The issue I had was that I continued to try and compensate for things that I felt were missing in other aspects of my life and relationship, so mentally I had this idea if, I can look like 'X' then 'Y' would be okay and my solution would become clear. That was not the case though, I did a LOT to try and get to 'X', I followed certain instagram accounts that gave tips on making weight, hiding disorders, and exercising, I did crazy morning workouts at home, biked 10+ miles a day, and started using a food diary type app recording everything I ate and all the exercises I did, many times it warned me of eating too few calories, and said if my trend continues I would weigh less than 115 in 5 weeks.


    I'm better now though, I still have to be careful not to fall back into things and allow my depression to overtake things and start this trend again in an effort to feel better with the endorphins released during exercising and a runner's high. Mirrors no longer bother me, and it feels nice now to know that when I look into one I'm seeing what is there and not something else. For the new year I am starting a new diet plan that is healthier along with my good friend Susana, it involves eliminating, meat and all processed food from your diet and then white wheats etc. its going to be a process but I think we can do it.

     I can't go into much detail about the details on how this developed on here but will in a note on Facebook for those who wonder how I got that way.

To understand....

There is so much I need to understand, it is almost pitiful when I think of it all. Below is a list of things I need to realise are okay with guys and that I can't feel unable to do or constantly apologize for.
Changing my hair colour whenever I feel like it without fear of being dumped or having to get an approval on it first
Not straightening my hair without feeling like it is a big issue or problem
Wearing hairstyles like buns without worrying about ridicule or hair grabbing over it
Being able to learn whatever language and own any brand of technology I want without being told it is a deal breaker that I own it
Not having to apologise for liking anime, comics or going to conventions and being who I am.
I've spent the majority of the last 4yrs doing just that...apologising for either being who I am or feeling sorry for things I'm quickly learning I don't need feel sorry for.
When I meet a guy I like I honestly feel nervous because I'm afraid of messing up and saying something that will upset him like 'I want to learn mandarin, I love comiccon, or I like the colour blue'
I feel worried about things like wearing my hair in a bun, talking about my friends, or wearing make up.
I feel like such a lame loser because I just don't know how to handle 'normal' things anymore and I'm so hesitant on so many things and I apologise constantly for them.

I'm learning and trying not to apologise for being myself anymore even though that is a bit hard of a habit to fall out of...I feel bad about that.

Because I feel as if I come off as this shy idiot, I am actually more reserved now, and it feels a bit weird being myself anymore though whenever I am I get this fun rush and nostalgia.

Numbness.

Periods of great happiness and severe despair have one things in common-they are both accompanied by a feeling of numbness that leaves you unaware of what is really happening.

I currently can not say which of these I feel, all I know is that there its a numbness. As if if a casing has surrounded my core preventing any kind of recognition from entering.
The problem with numbness is that you're not really without feeling, you can still feel, you feel something its hard and unbelievable. There is a pain that could be from actual hurt, or bliss currently its unknown.

I could very will be mistaking my numbness for happiness so extreme I'm unable to process it properly when I'm actually plummeting again without realizing it.
If i could feel something else, understand what it is I'm feeling, i would be okay...No that's not true. I wouldn't be okay, I would then have to deal with this feeling whatever it may be.
I recently broke up with Ace who I've mentioned previously and spoke a bit about our relationship. Things haven't been great for a while, after 4 yrs of off and on dating I finally ended things a little over a week ago... I'm not sure hoe I feel about this myself, I know there are a LOT of people mad at me right now for ending things, either because they had faith in our relationship or because they helped him through his depression after our last big beak up. And blame me for it....I'm not a horrible person, I'm not trying to hurt or torture someone by making a decision I feel is right in my mind and for the situation.(I won't go into details about it, those who know, know)

I don't want the fake people who are mutual friends talking to me, just to get information out of me, or my friends telling him how happy I am with him give from my life nor telling him things to hurt him this time(i didn't want it last time either)
I really hate thinking about this...
The photos in this post are randoms from my SD card.

I So Hate Consequences, That Is My Problem

"I So Hate Consequences" is a song actually by a Christian Rock group named Reliant K, it is one of their earlier more hard hitting on the notes songs. 

"I need to get away from all my mistakes

...because all of my mistakes keep me awake at night....I so hate consequences, running from you was one of my best defences...after all my alibis are desert....God don't make me face up this...because I know I let you down...all my escapes are getting exhausted, I thought I had a way, then I lost it,my resistance was once more stronger...."

Above are excerpts from the song that I resonated with the most and best describe my problem.  I'm always running, figuratively and in a literal sense, it is my defence mechanism. When a consequence of my own action comes calling I run, I run as far as I can and try to abandon my life in a way. I want nothing more than to avoid it from happening by picking up a remote and pressing  FF>>. skipping pass it all yet still seeing glimpses of it. What is disturbing is that actually seeing it pass by is a new trend for me, previously I would treat consequences like a VHS tape, hitting stop to go to the blue screen then fast forwarding to the end without any recognition of the event partaking behind that blue veil. 

"....because all my mistakes keep me awake at night..." 

I can't exactly sleep at night and when I do I wake up at odd morning hours from dreams of my mistakes and the consequences I have avoided. I can never escape them, I still dream of mistakes I made over two years ago yet never came to grips with. It is a bit pathetic that I still have no desire to face the repercussions of my actions so long ago. 

 "....I so hate consequences, running from you was one of my best defences..."

 

I am not sure obvious my avoidance to consequences is, so far only one person has ever noticed, and I ran from any one else that would. I am out of breath now, there really is not much more I can do about that. 

"...after all my alibis are deserted..."

Alibis I have hundreds of them, alibi is just a more entrecôte way of saying excuse. My alibis have run out, I have gotten to a point where not thinking about my actions is not just effecting me nor a reason for avoidance. 

"....God don't make me face up to this..."

 I am religious and I do feel that God tries to get me to face my consequences, I still keep resisting.

"....I know that I let you down..."

I let down people close to me, and I continued to try and avoid the consequences by not acknowledging that anything happened this has caused me many problems in my relationship. I will do something very fucked up and then when push comes to shove I'm off in my own little world  mentally flipping over the repercussions. I would constantly say I am a shitty girlfriend because of that. I do things then ignore that not only that my actions effected someone else but I refuse to take any blame for it at all. Even when I am completely at fault I pretend I have no idea what is going on or why. I'm supposed to have stopped this by now. Each time I repeat my past mistakes I let someone down even more. 

"...all my escapes are getting exhausted, I thought I had a way, then I lost it,my resistance was once more stronger...."

I thought at one point I could do what I wanted and not deal with anything that could go wrong, I ended up being very depressed and hating myself a lot because I couldn't stand how bad I started to feel because of the lack of responsibility I was taking on for everything.

My resistance was much once stronger

Resistance does not always mean a positive thing, that you can hold your ground, never give up and pull away from all those had things in life.  Sometimes resistance represents those things that you should be doing but refuse to do for frivolous reasons. 

When that resistance becomes a hindrance to your improvement and moving on the meaning changes. It is no longer that force that kept you out and protected you, it is now what holds you back....

"...If my heart says I'm sorry can we leave it at that?.."

This was not part of the original cluster of excerpts because it is a standalone that I do so often it is how I can say this song describes my life. 

If my heart says I'm sorry the. I don't have to utter the words. It is a silent apology that passes the blame onto someone else all to avoid taking it myself. 

I no longer want to be and will have resistance, I need to take responsibility for my actions and behaviour. I would prefer that my life reflect " who I am hates who I've been"