Religion, NYU Cru, and my stupidity

I can't say that I don't believe in God however my issue is never with God, its with the way that I've been trying to find him and people  I have encountered on the way.


About a year ago when I came back into religion more I came back in, in a very bad way. When I  look back on it I can see all of the issues involved and it really destroyed my faith and trust in religion.
Prior to a year ago I mostly was part of church in the Bronx that my dad went to. That ended very quickly when I realized that I couldn't just go to church and be happy there was a lot of pressure on me to join Church and to go through my sacraments- part of a Catholic thing. There was this constant pushing me to do the sacraments because if I didn't do them then there was a problem and I just was not deemed as being serious about the religion if I didn't do them.(even tough I had only been going there for around 1 month)

After that I stayed away from churches for a while and I was pretty happy. About a year ago I started going to church with Hina (mentioned before) and I was sucked in again by a church that until about a year later did I realize how wrong it was. The church was in the Bronx and prior to being located there was in Harlem. Ace's friend Chicas had been there once but didn't want to return though they urged him to. I didn't really understand why until I saw things from the outside, things weren't so right at the church and I was always afraid of going when I was a part of it. People were constantly called out in church I'm front of everyone and had their personal business aired to the church justified as God's will and voice. This always scared and bothered me, then there was the constant that of God hitting you and bringing bad things to you for making mistakes and doing things you're not supposed to according to the church was in the Bible (this ranged from anywhere between drinking, flirting with boys, going on a date with a boy not approved by the church, doing drugs, not praying, and wearing inappropriate clothing). I must admit I was always afraid of dying or being punished (especially because I wore make up often during that time) it was a bit scary.


There were lifestyle rules of the church that the members were expected to abide by:
Females are not allowed wear pants
Only skirts, loose fitting and 36in + allowed
No make up
Dying hair
Hair that is shorter than a bob(you could be mistaken for a boy)
No talking to boys that you have an interest in or vice-versa (God will punish you for that)
No dating a boy that isn't approved by the church
The list goes on and on and includes other very strange things including gossiping

It sounds stupid to believe these things and go along with them, but admit-tingly I do not know much about religion specifics or all the aspects of the bible so I'm not always sure what is and is not there.
The stupidity you must say comes in with why didn't you question it?- I did actually, however my love for and faith in God prevented me from fully speaking out against it.

I became very angry when I started realizing all the things wrong with this situation, and sad when I realized that I would be seen as stupid for believing this...Ace literally was like you were dumb for going with that like a sheep...
It is not like I was an actual sheep, I questioned things, I did not abide by rules that were very controlling and specific, I felt obligated to go to church to affirm my love and devotion to God(I now know this is not true)


It is very depressing and hard to get someone to understand how horrifying this realization was to me...my faith in God was betrayed and taken advantage of by a  group of people...I literally was scared to express any kind of love or belief in God for a long time(I still am). I tried explaining(my world was crushed...) to Ace what it's like(he's not a believer though) and he doesn't get it very well he thinks it's more of you were manipulated thats why you're upset...That is not it at all, I became afraid to worship God in general, I felt as I had betrayed him, I was afraid of being apart of any religious affiliation...until I came into NYU Cru through my friend Sydney.


I love Cru, there is no pressure to abide their religious rules, things are pure and light yet we apply things to life, I love going there and feel bad when I miss it, I'm not afraid all the time, I also feel better about life and am slowly opening up again to religion. This feels good and after a recent email for a Cru event next week I am very glad I am apart of it, it is an evolutionist vs. creationist discussion between christian and non christian scientists.

I feel like I have finally found a place to be at peace with religion, and God.

Ace's dad had a very good quote that I like to think about: Churches are full of crap, your relationship with God is between him and you.

I take that to heart, and it gives me a bit of independence when it comes toward how I do things and my feelings of God. I am very grateful for that bit of advice