Mirrors 137.4/62.3kg

        The other day I got weighed for the first time in around 2months on a legitimately accurate scale at the doctor's office and the number that came up surprised me a bit not out of shock but because I hadn't weighed myself in so long and previously it was 125-127/56.7-57.6kg just that morning I looked in the mirror and saw my abs were still here, and I thought...I look pretty....is this what other people see when they look at me? I haven't seen this person...I don't think I ever really have, I saw myself for the first time I think. It made me happy, I lost weight and gained muscle to tone up and went from last year being a size 6-7/28-29 to this year being a 4-5/26-27 mostly 25-26. I made it almost to my goal, but I have a lot of leg muscle which sort of sucks because it's gotten softer over the years, but that is besides the point.
      I looked into a mirror and wasn't disgusted by the image I saw staring back at me, I mentioned before that I overcame an eating disorder and I honestly see how I really look now. Which is weird to say, but it happens. I no longer go crazy over how much I weigh, or how much I work out, I walk around 2-4miles a day, have a job that requires tons of standing, dancing, and running around, and I try to eat healthier and ensure I actually eat 3 times a day, a big jump from my prior 1-2 times a day and under 1000 calories a day. That was so unhealthy it is crazy, I went so long like that and aimed for less.

********I'm not saying that being skinny is because you have an eating disorder etc. it's when you can't see your current size and imagine things that aren't there in concerns to your body. Dropping sizes in a healthy way through a managed diet like Atkins, or cutting out processed foods and meats is perfectly fine***********

    The issue I had was that I continued to try and compensate for things that I felt were missing in other aspects of my life and relationship, so mentally I had this idea if, I can look like 'X' then 'Y' would be okay and my solution would become clear. That was not the case though, I did a LOT to try and get to 'X', I followed certain instagram accounts that gave tips on making weight, hiding disorders, and exercising, I did crazy morning workouts at home, biked 10+ miles a day, and started using a food diary type app recording everything I ate and all the exercises I did, many times it warned me of eating too few calories, and said if my trend continues I would weigh less than 115 in 5 weeks.


    I'm better now though, I still have to be careful not to fall back into things and allow my depression to overtake things and start this trend again in an effort to feel better with the endorphins released during exercising and a runner's high. Mirrors no longer bother me, and it feels nice now to know that when I look into one I'm seeing what is there and not something else. For the new year I am starting a new diet plan that is healthier along with my good friend Susana, it involves eliminating, meat and all processed food from your diet and then white wheats etc. its going to be a process but I think we can do it.

     I can't go into much detail about the details on how this developed on here but will in a note on Facebook for those who wonder how I got that way.

To understand....

There is so much I need to understand, it is almost pitiful when I think of it all. Below is a list of things I need to realise are okay with guys and that I can't feel unable to do or constantly apologize for.
Changing my hair colour whenever I feel like it without fear of being dumped or having to get an approval on it first
Not straightening my hair without feeling like it is a big issue or problem
Wearing hairstyles like buns without worrying about ridicule or hair grabbing over it
Being able to learn whatever language and own any brand of technology I want without being told it is a deal breaker that I own it
Not having to apologise for liking anime, comics or going to conventions and being who I am.
I've spent the majority of the last 4yrs doing just that...apologising for either being who I am or feeling sorry for things I'm quickly learning I don't need feel sorry for.
When I meet a guy I like I honestly feel nervous because I'm afraid of messing up and saying something that will upset him like 'I want to learn mandarin, I love comiccon, or I like the colour blue'
I feel worried about things like wearing my hair in a bun, talking about my friends, or wearing make up.
I feel like such a lame loser because I just don't know how to handle 'normal' things anymore and I'm so hesitant on so many things and I apologise constantly for them.

I'm learning and trying not to apologise for being myself anymore even though that is a bit hard of a habit to fall out of...I feel bad about that.

Because I feel as if I come off as this shy idiot, I am actually more reserved now, and it feels a bit weird being myself anymore though whenever I am I get this fun rush and nostalgia.