Saturday Mornings

Saturday mornings are the main reason I try not to invite friends over.

My mother can be strange to say the least she cleans or plans shopping trips just to yell and berate everyone in her way.

I used to think of them as Saturday mornings because it only happened on Saturdays when I was younger, then Saturdays became Sundays  Sundays Mondays and so on. I'm not sure why she is like this, originally I used to wonder why she hated me so much and was so unhappy even with all the things that should make her happy in her life.

Recently though I finished reading a book by a very thoughtful japanese author Haruki Murakami. It was called Sputnik Sweetheart, The main character's crush Mui lost a part of herself as a young adult. Afterwards she was incapable of loving anyone or feeling anything real. She became hollow and her hair tuned white. Soon the main character disappeared as well to same place as that part of her. The other side was what it was referred to as. 

That place was describe as to what would be considered and alter dimension or other life. In this life the two main characters could be together(one was gay in the current one) and they could go to the lunch they planned yet never made it to.

I like to think that if a place like that exist it could be the place where my parents are still together and happy, my mother has that missing part of her the same as my grandmother and things could be 'normal' 

On my ask.fm account I get asked a lot what am I afraid of, and I usually say losing love but I realise that sounds misleading and could be interpreted as me being afraid to lose my bf. that is not it at all I'm afraid to lose the part of me that is able I love someone and feel compassion for others. 

The topic of Saturday mornings is just the strange and angry behaviour my mother displays where she is irrational, withdrawn and mean. She tends to say crude things that se later seems to not care or even think about, how it effects someone. 

I sometimes like to imagine what it would be like to be on the that 'other side' Murakami spoke of.