Depression.....

Understanding depression is hard for people that have never truly experienced before. Depression comes and goes, out doesn't stay around all the time and you're just never happy ever contrary to what many may think. It comes and goes like a cycle but is always with you. Depression is in a sense like emotional herpes.

The main thing is that it's not only an emotional feeling but a physical one. You wake up in pain with no cause, it becomes hard to do daily tasks without feeling drained and headaches happen. It's easy for someone who has never experienced depression to look at it and go sooooooo what the person is just really sad? Suck it up! When it isn't just about being sad, it's about being trapped, lost, and without cause. Things just seem hopeless, so you do less, the less you do, the more it piles up to where things are almost hopeless.

Strong, weak, and in between people have it. Some handle it better than others.

Mirrors 137.4/62.3kg

        The other day I got weighed for the first time in around 2months on a legitimately accurate scale at the doctor's office and the number that came up surprised me a bit not out of shock but because I hadn't weighed myself in so long and previously it was 125-127/56.7-57.6kg just that morning I looked in the mirror and saw my abs were still here, and I thought...I look pretty....is this what other people see when they look at me? I haven't seen this person...I don't think I ever really have, I saw myself for the first time I think. It made me happy, I lost weight and gained muscle to tone up and went from last year being a size 6-7/28-29 to this year being a 4-5/26-27 mostly 25-26. I made it almost to my goal, but I have a lot of leg muscle which sort of sucks because it's gotten softer over the years, but that is besides the point.
      I looked into a mirror and wasn't disgusted by the image I saw staring back at me, I mentioned before that I overcame an eating disorder and I honestly see how I really look now. Which is weird to say, but it happens. I no longer go crazy over how much I weigh, or how much I work out, I walk around 2-4miles a day, have a job that requires tons of standing, dancing, and running around, and I try to eat healthier and ensure I actually eat 3 times a day, a big jump from my prior 1-2 times a day and under 1000 calories a day. That was so unhealthy it is crazy, I went so long like that and aimed for less.

********I'm not saying that being skinny is because you have an eating disorder etc. it's when you can't see your current size and imagine things that aren't there in concerns to your body. Dropping sizes in a healthy way through a managed diet like Atkins, or cutting out processed foods and meats is perfectly fine***********

    The issue I had was that I continued to try and compensate for things that I felt were missing in other aspects of my life and relationship, so mentally I had this idea if, I can look like 'X' then 'Y' would be okay and my solution would become clear. That was not the case though, I did a LOT to try and get to 'X', I followed certain instagram accounts that gave tips on making weight, hiding disorders, and exercising, I did crazy morning workouts at home, biked 10+ miles a day, and started using a food diary type app recording everything I ate and all the exercises I did, many times it warned me of eating too few calories, and said if my trend continues I would weigh less than 115 in 5 weeks.


    I'm better now though, I still have to be careful not to fall back into things and allow my depression to overtake things and start this trend again in an effort to feel better with the endorphins released during exercising and a runner's high. Mirrors no longer bother me, and it feels nice now to know that when I look into one I'm seeing what is there and not something else. For the new year I am starting a new diet plan that is healthier along with my good friend Susana, it involves eliminating, meat and all processed food from your diet and then white wheats etc. its going to be a process but I think we can do it.

     I can't go into much detail about the details on how this developed on here but will in a note on Facebook for those who wonder how I got that way.

To understand....

There is so much I need to understand, it is almost pitiful when I think of it all. Below is a list of things I need to realise are okay with guys and that I can't feel unable to do or constantly apologize for.
Changing my hair colour whenever I feel like it without fear of being dumped or having to get an approval on it first
Not straightening my hair without feeling like it is a big issue or problem
Wearing hairstyles like buns without worrying about ridicule or hair grabbing over it
Being able to learn whatever language and own any brand of technology I want without being told it is a deal breaker that I own it
Not having to apologise for liking anime, comics or going to conventions and being who I am.
I've spent the majority of the last 4yrs doing just that...apologising for either being who I am or feeling sorry for things I'm quickly learning I don't need feel sorry for.
When I meet a guy I like I honestly feel nervous because I'm afraid of messing up and saying something that will upset him like 'I want to learn mandarin, I love comiccon, or I like the colour blue'
I feel worried about things like wearing my hair in a bun, talking about my friends, or wearing make up.
I feel like such a lame loser because I just don't know how to handle 'normal' things anymore and I'm so hesitant on so many things and I apologise constantly for them.

I'm learning and trying not to apologise for being myself anymore even though that is a bit hard of a habit to fall out of...I feel bad about that.

Because I feel as if I come off as this shy idiot, I am actually more reserved now, and it feels a bit weird being myself anymore though whenever I am I get this fun rush and nostalgia.

Numbness.

Periods of great happiness and severe despair have one things in common-they are both accompanied by a feeling of numbness that leaves you unaware of what is really happening.

I currently can not say which of these I feel, all I know is that there its a numbness. As if if a casing has surrounded my core preventing any kind of recognition from entering.
The problem with numbness is that you're not really without feeling, you can still feel, you feel something its hard and unbelievable. There is a pain that could be from actual hurt, or bliss currently its unknown.

I could very will be mistaking my numbness for happiness so extreme I'm unable to process it properly when I'm actually plummeting again without realizing it.
If i could feel something else, understand what it is I'm feeling, i would be okay...No that's not true. I wouldn't be okay, I would then have to deal with this feeling whatever it may be.
I recently broke up with Ace who I've mentioned previously and spoke a bit about our relationship. Things haven't been great for a while, after 4 yrs of off and on dating I finally ended things a little over a week ago... I'm not sure hoe I feel about this myself, I know there are a LOT of people mad at me right now for ending things, either because they had faith in our relationship or because they helped him through his depression after our last big beak up. And blame me for it....I'm not a horrible person, I'm not trying to hurt or torture someone by making a decision I feel is right in my mind and for the situation.(I won't go into details about it, those who know, know)

I don't want the fake people who are mutual friends talking to me, just to get information out of me, or my friends telling him how happy I am with him give from my life nor telling him things to hurt him this time(i didn't want it last time either)
I really hate thinking about this...
The photos in this post are randoms from my SD card.

I So Hate Consequences, That Is My Problem

"I So Hate Consequences" is a song actually by a Christian Rock group named Reliant K, it is one of their earlier more hard hitting on the notes songs. 

"I need to get away from all my mistakes

...because all of my mistakes keep me awake at night....I so hate consequences, running from you was one of my best defences...after all my alibis are desert....God don't make me face up this...because I know I let you down...all my escapes are getting exhausted, I thought I had a way, then I lost it,my resistance was once more stronger...."

Above are excerpts from the song that I resonated with the most and best describe my problem.  I'm always running, figuratively and in a literal sense, it is my defence mechanism. When a consequence of my own action comes calling I run, I run as far as I can and try to abandon my life in a way. I want nothing more than to avoid it from happening by picking up a remote and pressing  FF>>. skipping pass it all yet still seeing glimpses of it. What is disturbing is that actually seeing it pass by is a new trend for me, previously I would treat consequences like a VHS tape, hitting stop to go to the blue screen then fast forwarding to the end without any recognition of the event partaking behind that blue veil. 

"....because all my mistakes keep me awake at night..." 

I can't exactly sleep at night and when I do I wake up at odd morning hours from dreams of my mistakes and the consequences I have avoided. I can never escape them, I still dream of mistakes I made over two years ago yet never came to grips with. It is a bit pathetic that I still have no desire to face the repercussions of my actions so long ago. 

 "....I so hate consequences, running from you was one of my best defences..."

 

I am not sure obvious my avoidance to consequences is, so far only one person has ever noticed, and I ran from any one else that would. I am out of breath now, there really is not much more I can do about that. 

"...after all my alibis are deserted..."

Alibis I have hundreds of them, alibi is just a more entrecôte way of saying excuse. My alibis have run out, I have gotten to a point where not thinking about my actions is not just effecting me nor a reason for avoidance. 

"....God don't make me face up to this..."

 I am religious and I do feel that God tries to get me to face my consequences, I still keep resisting.

"....I know that I let you down..."

I let down people close to me, and I continued to try and avoid the consequences by not acknowledging that anything happened this has caused me many problems in my relationship. I will do something very fucked up and then when push comes to shove I'm off in my own little world  mentally flipping over the repercussions. I would constantly say I am a shitty girlfriend because of that. I do things then ignore that not only that my actions effected someone else but I refuse to take any blame for it at all. Even when I am completely at fault I pretend I have no idea what is going on or why. I'm supposed to have stopped this by now. Each time I repeat my past mistakes I let someone down even more. 

"...all my escapes are getting exhausted, I thought I had a way, then I lost it,my resistance was once more stronger...."

I thought at one point I could do what I wanted and not deal with anything that could go wrong, I ended up being very depressed and hating myself a lot because I couldn't stand how bad I started to feel because of the lack of responsibility I was taking on for everything.

My resistance was much once stronger

Resistance does not always mean a positive thing, that you can hold your ground, never give up and pull away from all those had things in life.  Sometimes resistance represents those things that you should be doing but refuse to do for frivolous reasons. 

When that resistance becomes a hindrance to your improvement and moving on the meaning changes. It is no longer that force that kept you out and protected you, it is now what holds you back....

"...If my heart says I'm sorry can we leave it at that?.."

This was not part of the original cluster of excerpts because it is a standalone that I do so often it is how I can say this song describes my life. 

If my heart says I'm sorry the. I don't have to utter the words. It is a silent apology that passes the blame onto someone else all to avoid taking it myself. 

I no longer want to be and will have resistance, I need to take responsibility for my actions and behaviour. I would prefer that my life reflect " who I am hates who I've been"

Reprise

 I recently read a short called 'Rainy Day' (see below), that said much about emotional baggage an letting them go for someone else to find or give it away to someone. 

I saw this greatly as the words of an observer with only a handbag or clutch of 'baggage' in other words an observer. 

Observing is good however writing about things you have not experienced gives a bad taste in mouth. Selena Gomez when her album 'A Year Without Rain' was asked and slightly criticised for writing a fluffy pop album and asked why there was no hard hitting songs that struck a chord with people, why so light? She responded " I don't like to sing about things I haven't yet experienced." I respect this greatly about her, that she is not afraid to say that she has not experienced something therefore can not speak on it.

The Rainy Day short upset me because it made things seem so easy and carefree, as if emotional baggage can be dropped off at an airport and said goodbye to. Emotional baggage isnt really baggage, it's scars and character blocks. It builds the personality of a person, gives them scars of life that show yes, I have been through a lot: it has made me who I am today. Giving this away is like trying to give away the knowledge gained through them.

I don't believe you should harbour things a d hoard them but you need those things in life, put them in an attic storage, a basement. Do not just give them away like they are worthless, I don't believe you can simply transfer parts of you to others. 

People are not that simple, the events that happen to us in the past brings to 易 (Yi). The Chinese word meaning change that [is said to have]derives from ancient word for lizard or chameleon. A chameleon is known for being able to change its colour and a lizard which can drop its tail and grow a new one. Change occurs with the commencement of loss and new things gained.

 Leaving one thing behind and not taking anything with you does not help you it is like running away and not acknowledging the mistakes made as well as the hardships gone through. Any person with baggage should know it is not something that is easy to think of lightly. I am mostly writing this to point out an observation of something that needs to be experienced before spoken of.

Mindless drabbles.

You must remember everyone else is either inept or stupid usually both.

You must be brave to take the lead.

The united states is formed by its philosophy not what was but what can be.

There will be no appeasement this is war. A war that they started but by God we will finish it!

If you take the tough decisions today they will hate you now but thank you for generations.

I feel that knowledge and language are the most abused substances in our society, many people have a coin size of knowledge and like coins each has it's different values and uses hence forth you may need more of your coin for purchased some people need not than others. Yet many with nickels, and pennies try to make a purchase of $.75 with $.20. They simply don't have the full amount of knowledge to make that claim, modern day philosophers with quarters and half dollars of knowledge tend to pretend that due to their knowledge being philosophical and/or political it is worth more than true rest. That is true however they too try to jilt the piper and see their coins as gold dollars. Philosophical knowledge of observation and beauty are valuable yes, however full knowledge and experience of more scenarios as well as a bigger understanding of a devil's advocate is invaluable. Before you decide to 'preach' out a blurb of  verbal recognition of social injustice in the society, check to see if you have coins to cash that statement. Because if you don't you look like the fool that came up short an is trying get a fixed price item for less and damaging the economical status of a country in the process.

Understanding is so sorely underrated,  people tend to assess situations without understanding the full velocity of perspective and experience.

Everyone has something to prove to someone in their life, until they do there is this building resentment That builds because they're never quite good enough to be acknowledge by that person in the way they would like. Pacifying them by saying things like "in your own way". That only adds to it, 

Maddie says "Jerk"

Today Ace and I had lunch  to discuss some things about our relationship. This was a short lunch because he to pick his sister Madison up from school, and invited me along surprisingly. 

Madison like one of my sisters goes to a charter school. So there are special procedures in picking them which includes lining up with other parents an guardians to pick up the kids outside.

It was as Ace said like lining up at Auschwitz  and it really was. Just a long line of people standing in a weird orderly like way, which led to a chaotic room at the end of a long hallway(seriously the gym was crazy loud with kids) 

So I'm looking for this kid (who I've only seen in a couple of photos) and suddenly this tiny girl with wide eyes gets up and walks over to Ace and I and immediately grabs his leg and death stares me and the TA. 

What happened next I loved, she freined  shyness and refused to say goodbye to her teacher and immediately wanted to leave when walking out she preceded to bite Ace's hand attempt to saw his fingers off with her tiny hands. She the. Referred to him as "Jerk" as if she were saying a name.

I fell in love with this kid at that moment, she was a no nonsense kind of child a rare breed at a young age(5).

Afterwards the three of us then proceeded to walk to the grocery store(to get food for dinner that night) along the way we got more acquainted and soon she warmed up to me and wanted to hold my hand over Ace's (which greatly annoyed him and brought me great pleasure). 

In the store was a real relationship test, I wanted to pick her up and carry around and talk to her about her day, while Ace was more focused on figuring out what she wanted to eat and getting out of the store. 

So it lead to stern looks and a bit of disagreements and annoyance but in the end both of us working together me focusing and Ace pressing the issue we found out what she wanted for dinner(apples and oranges with a sandwich that has ham with a LOT of mustard). 

It was interesting to see how we worked on that, and on line while Ace payed for the food Psy's Gangnam Style came on the speaker in the store. I immediately started singing and dancing with Ace's sister and she was awe the cashier just kept looking  at us with bright eyes and smiling( apparently she thought we were a family) it was the most fun I've had with a child not related to me. They walked me to the train station and I said goodbye and was able to get a hug from her and a kiss from Ace. 

Then I said "goodbye Madison!" 

That is how a I met Maddie and she set a future course for Ace and I. 

Ask.fm

Ask. 

Over the summer a new website made its way to popularity-ask.fm and it's like formspring...but meaner lol

On ask.fm my friends and I tend to be the subject I pretty rude and messed up question and comments.

My friend Lizz a fellow blogger I used to think got crazy questions on her ask account until I shared my account link on my Facebook page... Things started to go a bit crazy from there.

From people admitting they have crushes on me, to girls calling me a slut and calling me out on past mistakes I've made. There was a bit of everything on there .

The top topics on my page? 

My relationship with Ace

Sex life

People bashing and calling me a slut

There are also the constant accusations of lying on answers

To be fair they're right I do lie on some answers because honestly it is none of your business.

Most of the relationship questioners want me to break up with my bf so they can date one of us, it's pretty frustrating. 

Questions about our relationship, honestly our relationship has its glitches  like all relationships do. And right now we may not know where the future will take us,but we know where we would like it to take us. 

Personal questions about my relationship that involve my bf and I do not answer truthfully lol.

That's mega private stuff and he takes offence  to how I answer those questions so yes, I play dumb(sometimes) an other times I lie to avoid those questions. 

Thought the funniest ones are the one insulting me or asking what it would take to sleep with me.

The first ones I love because I know the bitches asking them and it's like really?? I know who you are and you have like no life to actually find my profiles online and harass me on them with comments and questions concerning past mistakes I've made.

The other one I find crazy because it's like really??? You're asking me that anonymously ??? 

Below are some photos of the 'questions' we get asked.

If you want to ask me anything here is my link: ask.fm/Bretagne 

Saturday Mornings

Saturday mornings are the main reason I try not to invite friends over.

My mother can be strange to say the least she cleans or plans shopping trips just to yell and berate everyone in her way.

I used to think of them as Saturday mornings because it only happened on Saturdays when I was younger, then Saturdays became Sundays  Sundays Mondays and so on. I'm not sure why she is like this, originally I used to wonder why she hated me so much and was so unhappy even with all the things that should make her happy in her life.

Recently though I finished reading a book by a very thoughtful japanese author Haruki Murakami. It was called Sputnik Sweetheart, The main character's crush Mui lost a part of herself as a young adult. Afterwards she was incapable of loving anyone or feeling anything real. She became hollow and her hair tuned white. Soon the main character disappeared as well to same place as that part of her. The other side was what it was referred to as. 

That place was describe as to what would be considered and alter dimension or other life. In this life the two main characters could be together(one was gay in the current one) and they could go to the lunch they planned yet never made it to.

I like to think that if a place like that exist it could be the place where my parents are still together and happy, my mother has that missing part of her the same as my grandmother and things could be 'normal' 

On my ask.fm account I get asked a lot what am I afraid of, and I usually say losing love but I realise that sounds misleading and could be interpreted as me being afraid to lose my bf. that is not it at all I'm afraid to lose the part of me that is able I love someone and feel compassion for others. 

The topic of Saturday mornings is just the strange and angry behaviour my mother displays where she is irrational, withdrawn and mean. She tends to say crude things that se later seems to not care or even think about, how it effects someone. 

I sometimes like to imagine what it would be like to be on the that 'other side' Murakami spoke of. 

Summer Update

I've been super busy the last couple of months I dove right into another semester of classes during the summer.
The semester ended with an amazing display of final thesis presentations by the talented graduates of the design school. Some of who I knew personally.
Rin Shen is one of those amazing artists mentioned.
below is her work as well as the work of other graduates

There was a nice Max Brennor's Trip to celebrate finals ending with some pretty awesome friends.

Also!!!! I GRADUATED!!!!!!! (SORT OF) lol I have one online class that i supposed to take in the summer but they postponed it for the Fall -___________- ass hats.
Ace couldn't make it to the graduation due to being extremely sick....however my friends Susana and Mei were able to come :) we enjoyed an adventure of going to chinatown in the rain and eating at the superstore there :D
I was also a flag bearer :D super fun.

Afterwards.......Of course there was an afterwards......

Summer school, work again during the summer, and times of funnnnnn.
I took so many pictures during math class at 9am and omw to summer school because heck it was like 7am  lol
Enjoy the many photos from summer school/work

Also there were good-byes :(
This was my last summer working at FIT which is sad but its time to move on :( i took a bunch of good bye photos in the lab.

Along with the crazyness of that and going out, I've been working on my art....like a LOT more lol. I learned from it a good couple of things too which i will share later.