The problem with worrying about everyone Else's problems and not thinking of your own is that by time you realize you have a problem it is usually too late to do anything about it.
My problem is simple, but not so simple. I can't sleep. I can't stay awake. I am depressed and indulge this because I can actually process thoughts clearly and produce decent to well quality work when it is almost 4am , my mind is clear-aware of everything and my eyes hurt from being open and just want rest. I wish I could just sleep....but I can't I just lay awake watching marathons of shows online trying to put myself to sleep. As soon as day comes around I can't stay awake. I just can't its like I need much more sleep than the random 8-10hrs I steal from my day's productivity. I don't understand this. When my dad texts me and asks how I am and warns me of working odd hours and having night class because it can become a trigger to set off other problems. I lie and say 'don't worry dad, I get enough sleep around 8hrs every night!' this is a lie. I get around 8hrs of sleep in the morning from 5-6am until 1-2pm, I would rather he not worry about me. I know this is bad and I should get it checked especially because the genetic anomaly( I will call it that) that I may or may not have(though it gives more answers than not having it)
Most of my life the adults in my life have asked usually one question that is the same : Why are you still awake?
I could never answer them- I just always was. Long after they would pass out and drift towards their dreams, I would lie awake at night letting the flow of darkness mix in with my feelings of loneliness and depression creating a cocktail of inability. Blurring my thoughts into jumbled up trains of shapes and letters all in a grey scale within my mind. I think this is why I stopped seeing most color and lost my ability to discern one color from another and understand how they work, the effects and blends.
From an early age I stopped being close to other kids, I couldn't understand them, their careless joy, relaxed expressions and manner of speaking with each other over pointless things that I could not understand- I won't lie I was a pretty lonely kid. I still don't understand carefree people that have relaxed expressions and lives where the only problem is finding who to hang out with on a spur of the moment whim.
I am bad at writing in general so writing and keeping up a blog has been difficult it relies on consistency and memory. I can't even get my sleep habits in a row where each night I can go home, get in bed and guarantee I will be able to sleep that night. I literally can not even guarantee that I can sleep each night.
There are so many other things I would rather post about right now, however this will most likely be the most organized and well written post I have made on here to date.(which is sad because it is made under the veil of sleep deprivation, fear of sleeping and unknown)
I can't say that I don't believe in God however my issue is never with God, its with the way that I've been trying to find him and people I have encountered on the way.
About a year ago when I came back into religion more I came back in, in a very bad way. When I look back on it I can see all of the issues involved and it really destroyed my faith and trust in religion.
Prior to a year ago I mostly was part of church in the Bronx that my dad went to. That ended very quickly when I realized that I couldn't just go to church and be happy there was a lot of pressure on me to join Church and to go through my sacraments- part of a Catholic thing. There was this constant pushing me to do the sacraments because if I didn't do them then there was a problem and I just was not deemed as being serious about the religion if I didn't do them.(even tough I had only been going there for around 1 month)
After that I stayed away from churches for a while and I was pretty happy. About a year ago I started going to church with Hina (mentioned before) and I was sucked in again by a church that until about a year later did I realize how wrong it was. The church was in the Bronx and prior to being located there was in Harlem. Ace's friend Chicas had been there once but didn't want to return though they urged him to. I didn't really understand why until I saw things from the outside, things weren't so right at the church and I was always afraid of going when I was a part of it. People were constantly called out in church I'm front of everyone and had their personal business aired to the church justified as God's will and voice. This always scared and bothered me, then there was the constant that of God hitting you and bringing bad things to you for making mistakes and doing things you're not supposed to according to the church was in the Bible (this ranged from anywhere between drinking, flirting with boys, going on a date with a boy not approved by the church, doing drugs, not praying, and wearing inappropriate clothing). I must admit I was always afraid of dying or being punished (especially because I wore make up often during that time) it was a bit scary.
There were lifestyle rules of the church that the members were expected to abide by:
Females are not allowed wear pants
Only skirts, loose fitting and 36in + allowed
No make up
Dying hair
Hair that is shorter than a bob(you could be mistaken for a boy)
No talking to boys that you have an interest in or vice-versa (God will punish you for that)
No dating a boy that isn't approved by the church
The list goes on and on and includes other very strange things including gossiping
It sounds stupid to believe these things and go along with them, but admit-tingly I do not know much about religion specifics or all the aspects of the bible so I'm not always sure what is and is not there.
The stupidity you must say comes in with why didn't you question it?- I did actually, however my love for and faith in God prevented me from fully speaking out against it.
I became very angry when I started realizing all the things wrong with this situation, and sad when I realized that I would be seen as stupid for believing this...Ace literally was like you were dumb for going with that like a sheep...
It is not like I was an actual sheep, I questioned things, I did not abide by rules that were very controlling and specific, I felt obligated to go to church to affirm my love and devotion to God(I now know this is not true)
It is very depressing and hard to get someone to understand how horrifying this realization was to me...my faith in God was betrayed and taken advantage of by a group of people...I literally was scared to express any kind of love or belief in God for a long time(I still am). I tried explaining(my world was crushed...) to Ace what it's like(he's not a believer though) and he doesn't get it very well he thinks it's more of you were manipulated thats why you're upset...That is not it at all, I became afraid to worship God in general, I felt as I had betrayed him, I was afraid of being apart of any religious affiliation...until I came into NYU Cru through my friend Sydney.
I love Cru, there is no pressure to abide their religious rules, things are pure and light yet we apply things to life, I love going there and feel bad when I miss it, I'm not afraid all the time, I also feel better about life and am slowly opening up again to religion. This feels good and after a recent email for a Cru event next week I am very glad I am apart of it, it is an evolutionist vs. creationist discussion between christian and non christian scientists.
I feel like I have finally found a place to be at peace with religion, and God.
Ace's dad had a very good quote that I like to think about: Churches are full of crap, your relationship with God is between him and you.
I take that to heart, and it gives me a bit of independence when it comes toward how I do things and my feelings of God. I am very grateful for that bit of advice
So this year i went to Springfest for the first time. For those not familiar as to what that is, its a Brooklyn based convention at NYU Poly. There are panels, contests, vendors,a maid cafe, and a lot of pretty awesome people.
My friend Pam was there as well selling her bows, entitled pretty little things and boy are they everadorable!!! They're inexpensive, handmade and amazing. There is a pic of me wearing them in this post. I have to thank Erica and Eve for coming from anime club. David(Erica's twin) as well even though he's not in the club lol. It was a lot of fun.Every thing from a large convention only without the crowd. Worth the $20.
I'm not particularly knowledgeable of Jewish artists, however i was amazed at the pieces i saw. The movement pieces were stunning, and the science behind them were completely brilliant. Though contemporary dance is not my most liked method of expressing contemporary art it is very interesting to look at. Sharon Lockhorn expressed the motions of the human body, also if you notice below, Bret being Bret I took tons of photos of things I’m not supposed to.
I learned and was finally caught by a passing security guard (after photo number 35) that no pictures are allowed in the space(still took another 42 more).
I love when there is a science and layout behind things especially in art, it shows so much more beauty and depth to it, by saying there is something much more to this than just an odd yet pretty piece. There is math, science and precision that takes place, this is the beauty of the world, when the logical crosses and blends with the typically illogical and creates this yet amazing beauty. I simply love it, I can’t really say that I can think of some thought provoking questions to discuss in class about this mainly because it is not about having a differance opinion to me and discussing things in ways where you are like okay I as an adult shall politely disagree with you or sit or sit say this is inspiring and you’re ignorant for not seeing what I see. If I wanted to argue and discuss philosophical terms of life I would have stayed in political science and policy debate. I just want to admire the art and say what I enjoyed about it and the key points. I am rambling now. If I have to best explain what I think and the beauty of Lockhorn’s pieces I will simply refer you to a special math equation I know.-well several
This where math meets art, much like the geometric shapes formed from the human body these are what I consider beauty of the world.
I want to withdraw/dropout of school, I can't take the complications anymore. Every time I think things are going well, something happens and jeopardizes it all. I am just miserable at this point...I hate the administration, I just want to finish my degree and leave, I don't even care what my GPA is at this point, I just want to leave. I can't really take it here anymore, I'm just stuck, I want to just take the liberal arts credits I gained and just go for my bachelors already(which I can do) the only people who would be upset would be my parents. Mostly because I wouldn't have a graduation, and they would try to get me to transfer to a school that has nothing to do with my current or future major.
I really can't take another complication....
I even googled how to drop out of college-I'm really that desperate at this point, and I found an article by the NY times, it was an interview with a college dropout and at the bottom there was a list(well two). You should drop out of college when... and You shouldn't drop out of college when...
Have mercy please God erasus(Erase*us)
I highlighted the ones that apply to me.
You might want to stay in school if…
You’re happy there.
At school, you find yourself happy more often than not. Far from discontent with the system, you thrive in it. Lecture-based learning may not work for other students, but it works for you. You consistently feel inspired and excited to go to class.
You’re developing skills you’ll need for your future career.
If you’re a humanities student who finds yourself making leaps in terms of critical thinking, stay in school until you can replicate that progress outside of classroom. If you’re a student who needs access to specific resources (e.g. you’re a science major with lab work), stay in school until you can find other ways to get the materials that you need.
You’re learning a lot, and while a degree would be nice, it’s not why you’re there.
You see college not as a means to an end, but as a legitimate way to learn new things. If you feel intellectually stimulated (and wouldn’t if you were a self-directed student), don’t drop out. This path is working for you.
You got a good price for it. It’s not unreasonable to stay if you’re attending a good school on a scholarship. Just make the most of your college experience — Scott Young wrote a great article about this here.
You like the structure that college provides.
Having a school environment can be powerful. It’s easy to stay on track, make friends, and understand what you have to do to achieve your goals.The prospect of being on your own is scary; the pressure of knowing that your education lies in your own hands makes opting out of the system even more difficult. Stay in school if freedom sounds to you more paralyzing than it does empowering.
You want to be a doctor or a dentist.
If you’re pursuing a career in a highly regulated field, dropping out is not for you. There’s no way around it — for the safety of the public, these professions simply require a degree. Fun fact though:if you want to become the next President of the United States, then yes, you can leave.
Everyday I wake to more stagnant bullshit
You should consider dropping out of school if…
You’re miserable. You feel increasingly frustrated and disillusioned by the homogeneity of your peers. You’ve read and fervently agree with William Deresiewicz’s “The Disadvantages of An Elite Education.”
You can use other resources to develop the skills that you need for the future. There are cheaper ways to get the education that you want — whether it’s through MOOCs (Massive Open Online Courses), alternative school-like programs, or your own initiatives. In this case, college isn’t cost-effective, and you should really check out the UnCollege resource page.
You’re not really learning, and you’re only there to get a degree. If your plan is skip class, get straight Cs, and do the least amount of work possible to get a degree, you need to seriously reconsider how you’re spending your time. There are more effective ways to get credentials (e.g. by building an online portfolio of practical experience). You might even learn something along the way — something more tangible than the ability to cram for finals exams.
You’re piling on student loans that will limit your career choices to investment banking (or something equally soul-sucking).
This one is self-explanatory.
You crave the freedom of designing your own path. You know you can learn faster and more effectively outside of the classroom. You feel limited by college if anything; even actively participating in out-of-school activities isn’t cutting it for you.
You can hack your way into the field you want to work in.
In fields like entrepreneurship, computer science and art (of all kinds), your ability to execute your ideas is infinitely more important your ability to brag about where you graduated from. You should be getting as much practical experience as possible.
When I escape it there's more stagnant bullshit.
All the complications are so depressing...I can't even drink on a regular make them pass by and relax more over it, which is frustrating beyond belief. It is my last full semester in this program(I'm not counting the two classes in the summer) but it doesn't seem to want to end...I told myself, I would do my best this semester, and raises my GPA through getting Bs and As in my classes....at this point I'm getting Bs and Ds......I just keep letting myself down, I'm finishing work ahead of time only to have a computer error either delete, corrupt or not attach the file. Me being an idiot and working on so many things I forget to back up 40% of the time.
Lost in this place It's such a waste, I can't watch things further complicate.....
I don't want to let my profs. down either, they're putting so much faith in me this semester to pass all my classes and show that they didn't just go through all the trouble of pulling strings for a total idiot that is just going to fuck everything up. So far I'm not doing to well on not showing that....
I keep letting myself and others down at this point, if I just stopped everything and went to work, then my bachelor's I feel it would be better....I would not longer be letting people down, my profs. are already encouraging me to drop their courses so they don't have that random D student bringing the average down... I doubt it would matter either.....
I hope I don't bore you while I whine about it, I hope you won't be sadden while I cry about it.....
INTERVIEWS(ARTICLES)
http://www.uncollege.org/blog/2012/12/16/should-you-drop-out-of-college-a-dropouts-perspective-2/ <-article
http://www.uncollege.org/blog/2012/12/19/an-interview-with-graphic-designer-c-j-williams-2/ <- interview with a graphic designer...I understand his decisions....
I want to withdraw from everything in my life, just drop it all before I make things any worse than they already, go to Canada, start at York/Seneca then work and be away it all...I need to stop letting so many people down....
I had already committed so many sins already- But above all the sin of going against your commands...I've finally settled all of this.
With my own execution, all the souls of the past and future need love.
If they were only sheep it'd be alright. But they're always so desperate to reject anything that they can't understand
Everyone watches the same thing, listens to the same music and feels moved by the same things.
And they even go to the same places so they get crowded and jammed up, making lines and stuff, wasting time, just like sheep being herded.
That's why I hate them.
I already got rid of my foolish emotions, long ago it was more like I felt my heart slowly dying as I sliced through. but if I would put it more accurately those who die laughing, despite how foolish they look and those who live by killing their hearts and happiness hardening expressions, if I am to live by killing my heart, then I am already dead. I am lost... Who's the real winner here?
The strong feed upon the weak, this phrase doesn't mean you have to give up now
Yesterday I received an email from my fashion business prof threatening to fail me if I make any comment that she feels does not pertain to fashion business because I make people feel miserable because I am miserable. I wrote her a letter explaining to her that I am not miserable and just making other people miserable as I am. Dear Prof. Love,
With all due respect you did not receive a reply to your email because there are people who simply can not comprehend certain things, such as depression and mental states. I deduced you as one of them. Your follow up has proven me correct.
I am not simply miserable because of a major, alone. I am severely depressed. Plain and simple. The major was not the issue the people and the profs. such as yourself are. You don't comprehend that there are things worse than a bad day, week or just unlucky patch of luck. If I was just miserable or that fake depressed I constantly hear about at school over not being able to buy something or only getting one out of five internships, it would just be a case of me sucking it up and moving on. However I am not that.
Depression is not just some you are sad all time and negative, it comes and goes. When its gone things are relatively stable, when it comes back it hits hard like a freight train at top speed. I am tired of getting dirty looks from not only my peers but profs. as well for having a negative aspect of life and notfinding joy in vacuous things such as an expansion of an accessories line or the thought of working at a high end brand, not gaining inspiration from a urinal on a podium or ecstatic at the thought of working in team with other people and relying on them for help(people suck plain and simple). I don't want to sit and pretend that I find all these things uplifting and interesting-that would be me lying to myself and everyone else about myself.
I do enjoy fashion merchandising, I am good at it, as well as at customer service, PR, event planning, and marketing/budgeting. These are what I use to bury myself in to escape my depression, the people involved in it at FIT have ruined this for me and caused a new trigger to form over the last two years. I fall into my cycle more easily now, and fluctuate constant due to it.
The best comparison I can make to form a suitable analogy for you would be Planet Of The Apes. The main character awakes to find himself in a twisted world where he is seen as crazy and incorrect. He spends the entire movie trying to convince everyone of the world he is from how backwards this one is and the promise of a different life if they can escape the world they are in. The people totter around like brainwashed drones isolating him (even the higher ups) and looking down on him for seeing more than what is front of him and knowing more. In the end he discovers that the world he knew is gone replaced by the current twisted one , at this point he loses his mind.
So with all due respect prof Love I have a right to feel something other than happy about my life and I should not have to lie about it to everyone I encounter and play along with their happy world of discussing brands and loving them.
